# Math Humor

## Top 10 Excuses for Not Turning in Math Homework

10. It's Isaac Newton's birthday.
9. I couldn't decide whether i is the square root of -1 or i are the square root of -1.
8. I accidently divided by 0 and my paper burst into flames.
7. It's stuck inside a Klein bottle.
6. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook.
5. I had too much pi and got sick.
4. Someone already published it, so I didn't bother to write it up.
3. A four-dimensional dog ate it.
2. I have a solar calculator and it was cloudy.
1. There wasn't enough room to write it in the margin.

## Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Math

CLEARLY: I don't want to write down all the in-between steps.

TRIVIAL: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.

OBVIOUSLY: I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.

RECALL: I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test, here it is again.

WITHOUT LOSS OF GENERALITY: I'm not about to do all the possible cases, so I'll do one and let you figure out the rest.

ONE MAY SHOW: One did, his name was Gauss.

IT IS WELL KNOWN: See "Mathematische Zeitschrift'', vol XXXVI, 1892.

CHECK FOR YOURSELF: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.

SKETCH OF A PROOF: I couldn't verify the details, so I'll break it down into parts I couldn't prove.

HINT: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.

BRUTE FORCE: Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, and a partridge in a pair tree.

SOFT PROOF: One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms.

ELEGANT PROOF: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject, and is less than ten lines long.

SIMILARLY: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.

CANONICAL FORM: 4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for the answer.

THE FOLLOWING ARE EQUIVALENT: If I say this it means that, and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing...

BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: I don't remember how it goes (come to think of it, I'm not really sure we did this at all), but if I stated it right, then the rest of this follows.

TWO LINE PROOF: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion.

BRIEFLY: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.

LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: I don't want to write it on the board because I'll make a mistake.

PROCEED FORMALLY: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning.

QUANTIFY: I can't find anything wrong with your proof except that it won't work if x is 0.

FINALLY: Only ten more steps to go...

Q.E.D. : T.G.I.F.

PROOF OMITTED: Trust me, it's true.

## Almost 40 ways to Flunk a Test

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking."

6. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

7. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds

that it conflicts with my beliefs. Be creative.

8. Bring pets.

9. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

10. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, say you lost the first one and ask for another copy of the exam. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

11. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

12. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

13. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

14. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

15. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam.

16. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

17. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

18. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things with the Letters ABCDE.

19. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

20. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "heck with this!" and walk out triumphantly.

21. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

22. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

23. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

24. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

25. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

26. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

27. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

28. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

29. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. One word: Wrestlemania.

32. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

33. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

34. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

35. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

36. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

37. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

38. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

39. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why your Professor is a lousy teacher"

## Top 12 ways to drive your Math Professor Crazy

1. Submit all homework in hexadecimal notation.

2. Raise your hand every minute on the minute and ask how the past minute's material relates to Fibonacci numbers.

3. Kick forcefully any person within reach who laughs at his jokes. Laugh harder.

4. Play an electronic keyboard until told to stop and ask 'You mean its not an abacus?'

5. Take notes with two pencils simultaneously.

6. Act like you're cheating off of you're neighbor's notes during lecture.

7. After each proof, just say to the him "You know... you're right."

8. Munch on your book every class until you finish it.

9. Memorize pi to 200 decimal places and write it out as such in your work.

10. In a calculus exam that states SHOW ALL WORK, prove the fundamental theorem of calculus, algebra, and a few of your own before each problem. Demand partial credit.

11. Wear a lampshade to class and light it up whenever you think you may have understood something.

12. At the mere mention of chaos theory, jump up and run out of the room screaming.

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